My 5-Step Plan for MTV: I'm Did Asbestos I Can

"Kake Bake" (kakebake)
08/19/2013 at 21:30 • Filed to: off topic

MTV is an American television station that airs music videos and music programming. That is something I'd be able to say in a courtroom if the year were 1989. It is, however, 2013 and unless you stay up late or wake up early enough, you'll never see anything music-related on this network. How can we change that?

MTV currently airs a show called Teen Wolf . It's about a 22 year old with hypertrichosis who still attends high school. It's Twilight from a hairy person's perspective. This malignant mass of disappointing subterfuge is indicative of the quality and content of programming that is presently broadcast on MTV.

I mention Teen Wolf because it bears a nominal resemblance to a show which I shall now pitch to MTV and you to fix what most people don't care is broken. My show is called Ten Wolves , and it has a very simple format.

Every week, we bring on one guest star from an MTV show or its producer (cross-promotion never hurts) to stand in a room. Ten wolves are then released into that room and you watch for thirty minutes while they maim and potentially kill the guest.

Oh yeah, I guess a different musical artist could perform every week, or something.

You're welcome, MTV. I'll expect my check for infinity dollars soon.

DISCUSSION (14)

Bandit > Kake Bake
08/19/2013 at 21:34

Simply amazing. I would set my DVR to record every single episode. I was born after the music era of MTV, if I want to watch videos I'm forced to find VH1 Classic or Palladia or youtube

Kake Bake > Bandit
08/19/2013 at 21:39

Thanks.

By the way, don't VH1 Classic and Palladia air the same Bon Jovi concert every day?

bourgeoisie > Kake Bake
08/19/2013 at 21:41

You could just stop watching MTV. It's been a long time since they aired anything truly worth watching, anyway. I know, I know, crazy talk.

Bandit > Kake Bake
08/19/2013 at 21:42

Probably, I rarely find time to watch those channels

Kickplate > Kake Bake
08/19/2013 at 21:49

When I'm at the gym, MTV is one of the channels. Some WT show called Sixteen and Knockedup is always on. Makes you hate humanity.

Kake Bake > bourgeoisie
08/19/2013 at 21:50

I could go cold turkey and happily stick with YouTube, but Girl Code is my very shameful kryptonite.

Atomic Buffalo > Kake Bake
08/19/2013 at 22:38

See the Opposite Lock post today registering surprise at the existence of the Rabbit Caddy. Someone out there had no idea that there was a Rabbit-based pickup truck until today.

Homer Simpson once lamented, "I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool."

The channel you want exists — it's called VEVO.

Stef Schrader > Kake Bake
08/20/2013 at 02:41

I say we buy MTV, phase out any vaguely interesting and/or music related content, only focus on werewolves and eventually just call it the Werewolf Network 1.

Heck, it worked for Fox.

Kake Bake > Stef Schrader
08/20/2013 at 03:46

You get the Fox Werewolf Network? I've been calling my cable provider about that for months and they keep going back and forth about whether I'd have to upgrade my service for it.

Stef Schrader > Kake Bake
08/20/2013 at 03:56

Man, negotiations suck like that. The second a company gets the green mist and wants to charge more, the cable company starts a cat fight and I end up with a block of missing channels.

(Well, I would if I still had cable TV, anyway.)

Bakkster, touring car driver > Kake Bake
08/20/2013 at 09:43

Sadly, all the best werewolf shows are on Fox Werewolf 2 only.

bourgeoisie > Kake Bake
08/20/2013 at 11:59

Before I cut the cable cord altogether, I stopped watching MTV channels (including VH1) on the principle that—in a 20 minute show—they're likely to show at least 10 minutes of advertising; and it's guaranteed to be the most low-brow, lowest-common-denominator advertising on tv.

MTV is the Walmart of television.

Kake Bake > bourgeoisie
08/20/2013 at 14:59

Yeah, I get what you mean.

To clarify, I don't mean to sound like I keep my television tuned to MTV 24/7; or at all, really. It's no skin off my teeth what they air, I just saw a commercial for Teen Wolf yesterday and thought up the whole Ten Wolves thing as a gag.

I'M COOL! I SWEARS IT!

bourgeoisie > Kake Bake
08/20/2013 at 16:33

And likewise I don't mean to sound like a fucking sourpuss, it's just I'm young enough to be part of MTV's demographic, but old enough to remember when they actually did show not only music videos, but some reasonably groundbreaking television.